Counting Backwards

The most worrying part about going under -

no, not the fade of your feelings and thoughts which you try so hard to grip on to

in case they never come back while also pushing them away

in case you feel what’s about to happen,

not the knowledge that the barrier between outside and inside

is about to be broken and all of you is about to be in the world at once

and you won’t be there to see it when it happens,

not the what if someone makes a mistake

and you wake up and can’t recognise yourself

and you can’t laugh and you can’t speak and you’ll never be heard again.

It’s when you go into the prep room and you see all the male doctors and

the girl before you, still knocked out

and you remember that you haven’t shaved in months and now everyone is going to see you naked and

they can laugh if they want to.

By Sinéad Creedon

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